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I'm feeling beaten today. The Universe has beaten me. I surrender. The white flag is drawn. My gun is down. My hands are in the air. I have cried "Uncle!"

With all the good that has been happening in my life as of late... the ability to quit my old job, and this amazing, exciting and PERFECT new job has fallen into my lap, I thought "things are finally starting to look up for me!" I thought for a brief second how wonderful everything is working out, like it is "meant to be!" that all it's missing is a child and that with all of my stresses gone, that dream would happen. I started yoga, I am taking an all-natural spray to "relax" and not stress. I even began acupuncture!!! (I saw a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte - who is basically a character based entirely on me - got acupuncture to get pregnant and she did. Unfortunately, she miscarried not a few weeks later, but still. It worked.) I have been doing EVERYTHING I have not tried in the past year and a half.

Then today, the cramps started. As did "other" things.

So what the fuck?!?! What else do I have to do?! Do I have to put on a Catholic high school uniform and get wasted? Do I have to start doing drugs? Do I have to sell the house, the vehicle, quit the perfect post-baby job?? Do I have to say to the Universe "I DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS!"

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?

Because I'll do it! I swear! I'll do anything!!

I don't think there are many things I haven't done!!

So if anyone - ANYONE - has any more suggestions, please let me know. I'll try it. I will fall on my knees and pray to Allah if I have to. I will ask the gods to send my mini-me's to fertilize my uterus. I will dance naked in a lightning storm if I have to!!!

God Almighty, PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Give me a break!!! I am begging you. In the world of Blogs and Internet, I am openly BEGGING God. I am BEGGING the universe. Whatever works. I am BEGGING.