Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Insight

I met up with a friend, Tiffany Matson, on Tuesday for dinner. I am not going to divulge everything we discussed, but it was such an insightful discussion. I realized while sitting there just how bitter I truly am at God/the world since losing Matthew. I really became aware that I am holding onto the "it's not fair" attitude, when really... how am I to say what is and what is not fair??

Sitting there with Tiffany, I had to face a reality I had no idea existed. Now, I'm going to say this knowing full well she'll probably read this blog but that is not why I'm writing this - I am writing this as a reminder to myself. In 10 years from now when I want to remember who I was when I was 27, I will come back and read this and smile at the wisdom this friend - a girl wise beyond her years - bestowed upon me.

I cannot blame God or the world or anyone for Matthew's passing. It can't not seem fair to me... it's not my place to make that decision. Matthew's passing was between Matthew and God. In the short period of time I got to spend with Matthew, even without ever meeting him, he fulfilled his destiny. God didn't make a mistake, making him an incomplete human that would never or could never take its first breath. God created Matthew the way He did for a very specific purpose. I may never know what the purpose is... and I know it's going to be the first question I ask God when I get to Heaven, and I fear His answer will be "that's between me and Matthew." It has nothing to do with me... it wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a cruel joke... it was what God had to do. And as a follower of Jesus, all I can do is accept that, try to learn from it, and trust that God does have a plan for me - and that that plan does include a child as it is my heart's greatest desire.

Tiffany, you don't have to respond to this blog but just know: that chat on Tuesday really helped get me out of the depressed funk I was in. I am still sad, I will still mourn the loss of my child, but I now see a rainbow at the end of this storm. So thank you.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


I had a revelation in the shower last night..... and now that I can think of it and not cry, I thought I'd post about it.

I went to the farm this weekend. Ryan is staying there for the whole week to help out seeding, and he's coming back next Sunday. A whole week without my baby. Yet, last night, at 5pm, while he was still out on the tractor seeding, I left to come home. It was somewhat the plan... I could have waited until Sunday morning, but I had "so much stuff to do at home." (which is true, by the way... but none of it is so pressing that I can't even say goodbye to my husband.)

I called him, waved at him from the road, and said my goodbye that way, but... it's not a hug or a kiss or an in-person "I love you and I will miss you this week."

I just couldn't wait to leave!


I just could not wait to be alone. I have not been alone for years. I mean, really alone. There's always been someone or something there. My parents live a block away from us so I have to see them, last week while Ryan was gone part of the week Karrie was here... I'm never alone.

Which brings me to Part 1 of my revelation... I am really, truly depressed. Since losing Matthew, I haven't gone one day without crying. I am sad, lonely, angry... I am a mother without a child. And I am moving deeper and deeper into this depression. I pretend to be fine, because the second I start showing I'm depressed, people start getting all psychological on me and who needs that??

Since deciding to become vegetarian, I have been ridiculed from every direction. I don't blame people... eating meat has become such a norm in our society. Being a vegetarian is so "out there." And to reiterate, I am not against eating meat: what I'm against is HOW they kill the animals. It's inhumane and I don't like it.

Which brings me to Part 2 of my revelation...

I have been feeling lately like I have no control over anything in my life. Nothing at all. On Friday my boss told me he might have to change my schedule so much that I am really working less than part time; I have no control over my job. Ryan's parents keep telling us that they want us to take over the farm, then 2 minutes later they change their mind; I have no control over our future - where we'll live, what we'll do. I can't control what people do to these animals to slaughter them. I work my ass off everyday working out, and I haven't seen a slight difference; I have no control over how my body reacts to exercise. I have no control over getting pregnant - and that's the one thing I thought I had control over. I want a baby so bad... I feel so lost without one... yet I have zero control over whether or not that happens.

So while I'm being ridiculed for wanting to be vegetarian... the fact of the matter is... it's the only thing in my life I can control. I actually can control what I put into my mouth. No one can force me to eat anything I don't want to eat. So while this may be a drastic measure on my part in my desire to help animals... it's the only thing I can do in my means: financially and physically.

I know I'll be ok... I'll get over the loss of my baby and learn to deal with it and take the next step. But until then... all I can do is keep living.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My New Challenge

I watched a horrible video last week, called "Earthlings" that was narrated by Joaquin Phoenix, about how humans treat animals - and the video is limited to those in the USA. I was appalled, and I cried through most of the video. The definition of Earthlings is "an inhabitant of Earth." Meaning, all creatures are earthlings. Cats, dogs, humans, cows, chickens... they all inhabit Earth.

Since watching that video, I have not looked at anything the same way. I see a cow in a pasture and think, "poor, poor cow." I look at my puppy Bauer and just think, how can someone purposely hurt a dog?! I mean, how can you?! Beating it, not feeding it, doing research on it, inhumanely killing it... I don't understand how humans think because we're bigger and smarter, we have the "right" to physically harm another. And that goes for other humans as well as animals.

Ellen DeGeneres is a huge animal rights activist, and she helps financially as well as in her daily life - she adopts animals that were abused, and she has become a vegan. Now, I do not have the financial capacity that Ellen does, and I can't start bringing in so many dog and cats until we have the capacity for it - for instance, if Ryan and I move to an acreage, I might be able to bring more dogs into our lives. But until then, we just physically and financially cannot.

So I have to start small, and in our means.

Step 1: become a vegetarian. I considered veganism, but I don't think I can do that. A "vegan" is a vegetarian who omits all animal products from the diet. That means eggs, fish, milk products, etc. I already drink soy milk, but cheese, eggs and yogurt would be pretty hard to keep out of my diet. So... I'm starting off with vegetarianism.


I'm nervous, and anxious. I am excited to be doing my part in this world. I am nervous to tell people... Ryan's family are meat producers, and both families are meat eaters. This is going to inconvenience people. I'll have to buy veggie burgers and keep boxes at each place so I have something to eat!

So my blog is no longer going to focus on my depression and sadness. I might still talk about it... I mourn Matthew everyday and I still cry almost daily. But all I can do is move forward and make changes in my life to make myself and my body better and healthier for the next child I am blessed with. And have faith in God that He really does have a plan, even if I don't understand at all what it is.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

What a weekend!! Friday night Ryan and I went to the farm (his parent's place) for the weekend. Due to the rain, we knew Ryan wouldn't be helping out much with seeding or cultivating, but we had lots of other things to do around the farm so we went ready and willing to help. Today, Monday, I'm beyond sore!

Saturday we cleaned out both of the garages - the house garage and the farm truck garage. Of course, beers were had during breaks, but it was a LOT of work. And the darn rain wouldn't let up! Then Sunday we started a waterfall/moat in the front yard and apparently I wanted to prove to everyone how strong I really am and I moved all of these huge rocks. I think I was partially brain damaged because it's really not something I would normally do, haha. The waterfall looks beautiful and once I get a photo, I will post it. I absolutely love it.

That was our mother's day gift to Ryan's mom: helping out around the farm.

Saturday was supposed to be my 3-months... I was supposed to be entering my 2nd trimester. I thought of it all day. It's weird... a miscarriage is viewed as such a menial thing... something that shouldn't be worried about and something that should be gotten over quite quickly. I'm lucky that no one in my social circle has made me feel that way, but I've read articles and notes about it. Sometimes I'm embarrassed about how sad I am (still) about the situation... I still think of it every time I laugh, as if I feel guilty for laughing or having a good time. My whole life is being kept on hold for something I have no control over. I am a mother without a child. I do not feel complete, whole. I felt complete, I felt whole for just a few short weeks and it was the best feeling I've ever felt. I felt like my life mission was discovered: I was meant to have children. Then, it was taken away. I feel like I'm walking around blindfolded, searching for my niche in this world. I no longer feel whole. I feel lost, angry, sad, broken. And terrified of the future.

I keep praying for strength. I feel like all I need right now is to turn over and see Jesus, and that he gives me a big hug. I need a hug from Him, for Him to tell me it's all going to be ok and that all of my life's desires are going to come to be. But that's not how He works. Which, to be frank, sucks.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mother's out there. You truly are blessed, and I never realized how blessed you are before what I have gone through. I hope you all had a wonderful, beautiful day.