Sunday, July 5, 2009

get over it

I've found lately that when people ask me how I'm doing with regards to the miscarriage, and I answer honestly, I get a lot of the same responses: "Oh", "Yeah...", and my favourite "It'll happen when it's meant to." What I sense from most responses is the unsaid response: "Aren't you over it yet??"

Should I be "over it"?? I mean, I never even got to find out the sex of the baby... Apparently, according to one very unsympathetic person, women can have abortions when they're even farther along than I was. So why am I still mourning a child that really, again - according to some people - shouldn't be mourned??

I don't have an answer for them... I am still sad. I still get tears in my eyes when I see women who are pregnant. I should have been 21 weeks yesterday. Or when I see babies... I still have not been able to bring myself to hold or even be near a baby. I feel jilted, and a prisoner in my own mind. And what makes it worse, is when people tell me to get over it - because apparently I should be by now.

But the sermon at church this week was about Hope, and last week was about giving God all of your worries. So on my walk with Bauer, I said aloud to God that I am giving Him my saddness regarding Matthew. I am giving Him my fears that I will never bear a child to term. I gave Him my fears that this hole in my heart will never be mended. I gave it all to Him. And I pray... oh God, I pray... that He takes my gifts to Him and uses them. I pray He helps me. I pray He answers my biggest hearts desires. I pray, I pray, I pray.

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