I've found lately that when people ask me how I'm doing with regards to the miscarriage, and I answer honestly, I get a lot of the same responses: "Oh", "Yeah...", and my favourite "It'll happen when it's meant to." What I sense from most responses is the unsaid response: "Aren't you over it yet??"
Should I be "over it"?? I mean, I never even got to find out the sex of the baby... Apparently, according to one very unsympathetic person, women can have abortions when they're even farther along than I was. So why am I still mourning a child that really, again - according to some people - shouldn't be mourned??
I don't have an answer for them... I am still sad. I still get tears in my eyes when I see women who are pregnant. I should have been 21 weeks yesterday. Or when I see babies... I still have not been able to bring myself to hold or even be near a baby. I feel jilted, and a prisoner in my own mind. And what makes it worse, is when people tell me to get over it - because apparently I should be by now.
But the sermon at church this week was about Hope, and last week was about giving God all of your worries. So on my walk with Bauer, I said aloud to God that I am giving Him my saddness regarding Matthew. I am giving Him my fears that I will never bear a child to term. I gave Him my fears that this hole in my heart will never be mended. I gave it all to Him. And I pray... oh God, I pray... that He takes my gifts to Him and uses them. I pray He helps me. I pray He answers my biggest hearts desires. I pray, I pray, I pray.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Goodness
I've always wondered how God works.... people tell you all the time how they perceive God's work or how God speaks to them. For instance - you lose your keys. You pray "God, help me find my keys." You turn around and there they are. So, you thank God for helping you find your keys. That never really sit well with me... I never believed God is up in Heaven just waiting to help us with every menial thing. But how am I supposed to know how He works??
It also always bothered me when people would sit on their asses and wait for God to give them "a sign." Should I leave my lover? Should I quit my job? Will I ever fall in love? We sit on the couch in our living room and complain to God that we're single or we hate where we are in life. It's like that person believes "if I sit here and have faith, God will answer my prayer." But He won't... He doesn't drop things into our laps. We have to actually go out and do things.
I'm reading this book "The Shack" and for the first time ever, I actually relate to the character Mack in the story. The way he talks to God, and the way Papa, Sarayu and Jesus all speak with him and explain how They work... it's the first time I feel like screaming "THANK YOU!" I finally feel like someone has written into words how I have always felt God works. God CAN make a horrible thing not happen, but it is not how He chooses to work: instead, God takes a situation - any situation - good or bad - and brings out positives in that circumstance. You learn from everything. God took this horrible circumstance that Mack had to live through, and made so many positives. It is not a book for everyone, but somehow I truly felt this book spoke to me. Like God was up there saying to ME "here is how I work with YOU. Maybe not how I speak with everyone, but this is how it is with YOU. Here is some clarity in your life. Everything is going to be ok."
I know some people see God as something that is untouchable... something you have to say the perfect words of "Dear Lord" with hands raised and only praises coming out of your lips - praises found only in the bible, which you repeat word for word. I've never felt that. I specifically remember sitting in my old Honda Civic ("Cheyenne" haha) and screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my steering wheel, angry with God that my life wasn't working out as I had planned. And then even angrier that He did nothing about it. He let me scream, He let me be angry. It was my lowest point in my life... it was rock bottom... at that time I lost my boyfriend, pretty much every single friend I had, my church, my life. And I was pissed about it - and I let God know. But God didn't MAKE these things happen... he didn't TELL my friends to abandon me, or my boyfriend to treat me that way, or for any of those horrible things to happen to me. But He DID take the situation and make it so, so good. I can see that now.
God also didn't take my baby away as a way to "get back at me" for being a sinner. It's not His fault I miscarried. He could have prevented it, but He has His reasons for not. Who am I to question God? But... even though I can't see it right now... and I may not see it for months, or years or ... ever ... but God is taking that situation and bringing out the Good in it.
I feel comfort in knowing that.
It also always bothered me when people would sit on their asses and wait for God to give them "a sign." Should I leave my lover? Should I quit my job? Will I ever fall in love? We sit on the couch in our living room and complain to God that we're single or we hate where we are in life. It's like that person believes "if I sit here and have faith, God will answer my prayer." But He won't... He doesn't drop things into our laps. We have to actually go out and do things.
I'm reading this book "The Shack" and for the first time ever, I actually relate to the character Mack in the story. The way he talks to God, and the way Papa, Sarayu and Jesus all speak with him and explain how They work... it's the first time I feel like screaming "THANK YOU!" I finally feel like someone has written into words how I have always felt God works. God CAN make a horrible thing not happen, but it is not how He chooses to work: instead, God takes a situation - any situation - good or bad - and brings out positives in that circumstance. You learn from everything. God took this horrible circumstance that Mack had to live through, and made so many positives. It is not a book for everyone, but somehow I truly felt this book spoke to me. Like God was up there saying to ME "here is how I work with YOU. Maybe not how I speak with everyone, but this is how it is with YOU. Here is some clarity in your life. Everything is going to be ok."
I know some people see God as something that is untouchable... something you have to say the perfect words of "Dear Lord" with hands raised and only praises coming out of your lips - praises found only in the bible, which you repeat word for word. I've never felt that. I specifically remember sitting in my old Honda Civic ("Cheyenne" haha) and screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my steering wheel, angry with God that my life wasn't working out as I had planned. And then even angrier that He did nothing about it. He let me scream, He let me be angry. It was my lowest point in my life... it was rock bottom... at that time I lost my boyfriend, pretty much every single friend I had, my church, my life. And I was pissed about it - and I let God know. But God didn't MAKE these things happen... he didn't TELL my friends to abandon me, or my boyfriend to treat me that way, or for any of those horrible things to happen to me. But He DID take the situation and make it so, so good. I can see that now.
God also didn't take my baby away as a way to "get back at me" for being a sinner. It's not His fault I miscarried. He could have prevented it, but He has His reasons for not. Who am I to question God? But... even though I can't see it right now... and I may not see it for months, or years or ... ever ... but God is taking that situation and bringing out the Good in it.
I feel comfort in knowing that.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Veronica
Ryan and I have one niece - Veronica. She's going to be 3 this September, and I just can't get enough of this kid. She's ridiculously hilarious, spoiled, bossy, sweet, generous, and has such a strong head on her shoulders. I take pride in that kid.
Anyways, I just wanted to brag a little about my sweet Veronica Lee. She's pretty damn cute.
Anyways, I just wanted to brag a little about my sweet Veronica Lee. She's pretty damn cute.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I Left My Heart in San Francisco
San Francisco... what a great city! I had such a great birthday weekend and it's all because of Ryan and the beautiful city that is San Francisco.
On Friday, we were up bright and early and headed to the airport... but not before Ryan ran a red light haha. (It was a turning light but Ryan drove straight on through... 5:45am is too early for us apparently!). We got to the airport a little earlier than necessary, but better early than never! So we got to SF and somehow figured out the Bart quite easily. It took us literally to our hotel's front door. We stayed at the Park 55... I somewhat recommend it... it was high-end and beautiful but there was a nice big... ahem... white stain... on the blanket on the bed and when the ladies came back at 2am in the connecting room to ours it was like they were laughing in our own room. It was soooo loud! But other than that, it was a great hotel. Perfect location right in Union Square.
So Friday we spent at Union Square. It was my birthday so we went to a nice restaurant for dinner (we saw a commercial for the restaurant - ANZU - that had a great vegetarian meal for me!). Then after we went to the Cheesecake Factory for birthday cake - however, there was a 1.3 hr wait so we just took 2 pieces to go! Which was perfect - cheesecake in bed while watching a movie. Perfection! It was a great birthday.
Then Saturday we were up bright and early to catch our boat tour on the Red & White Fleet that went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. What a great thing to witness! The Golden Gate Bridge is beautiful and it was just so nice being out on the ocean watching the sealions and dolphins and smelling the amazing sea air. I always thought I was an ocean person. I was born to live near water. Unfortunately, Alberta doesn't have any. Maybe one day I'll live closer to water!
So we got back at about noon and walked around Fisherman's Wharf for a couple of hours then took the F Train back to our hotel (only $1.50/person/direction! What a deal!) to get ready for the ball game. Go Giants! We even won. It went to 13 innings which I wasn't too impressed with since it was SOOOO COLD!! I mean... you have no idea how cold it was. My feet had icicles. SO COLD! But I loved the baseball game and the atmosphere and how fun and exciting it all way. And being terrified the ball was going to hit me straight in the mouth. Haha!
So Sunday morning we got up early again and headed back to Fisherman's Wharf (F Train!) and went to Alcatraz. Ryan was pretty pumped to go there, but I didn't really care one way or another - I'm not big on history. Anyways, I highly recommend everyone to go there. The things you learn, the things you see. The history that is in that place.... Al Capone, The Bird Man... all these horrible men living in these walls so many years ago. We were there for a few hours, and ended up leaving because we were pretty hungry. I should open up a hot dog stand there - I'd make a killing!!
So then after we walked around Fishermans' Wharf some more - I mean, we walked EVERYWHERE. We were even walking closeish to the GGB, but it seemed like such a long way that we turned back and went back haha. We're wimps, eh?? We walked up to the Crookedest Street and then to Ghiardeli's. It was a pretty great day. We stopped and had a beer at a little cafe that had a live singer. He sounded so great, he even made U2's "One" sound better than the original, which I didn't think was possible!!
Sunday night we went to an Italian restaurant called Puccini & Pinetti's. It was seriously the best meal I've ever had in my life. Just thinking about it is making my stomach growl. I highly recommend it. That was our night!
Then finally on Monday: we just hung around Union Square waiting for 2pm before we could leave for the airport. It was a great day; breakfast at Lori's Diner and a "quick trip" to Forever 21. Honestly, it was the best end of a great trip - a relaxing day walking around Union Square.
Anyways, a great trip!! Photos on Facebook!!!
On Friday, we were up bright and early and headed to the airport... but not before Ryan ran a red light haha. (It was a turning light but Ryan drove straight on through... 5:45am is too early for us apparently!). We got to the airport a little earlier than necessary, but better early than never! So we got to SF and somehow figured out the Bart quite easily. It took us literally to our hotel's front door. We stayed at the Park 55... I somewhat recommend it... it was high-end and beautiful but there was a nice big... ahem... white stain... on the blanket on the bed and when the ladies came back at 2am in the connecting room to ours it was like they were laughing in our own room. It was soooo loud! But other than that, it was a great hotel. Perfect location right in Union Square.
So Friday we spent at Union Square. It was my birthday so we went to a nice restaurant for dinner (we saw a commercial for the restaurant - ANZU - that had a great vegetarian meal for me!). Then after we went to the Cheesecake Factory for birthday cake - however, there was a 1.3 hr wait so we just took 2 pieces to go! Which was perfect - cheesecake in bed while watching a movie. Perfection! It was a great birthday.
Then Saturday we were up bright and early to catch our boat tour on the Red & White Fleet that went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. What a great thing to witness! The Golden Gate Bridge is beautiful and it was just so nice being out on the ocean watching the sealions and dolphins and smelling the amazing sea air. I always thought I was an ocean person. I was born to live near water. Unfortunately, Alberta doesn't have any. Maybe one day I'll live closer to water!
So we got back at about noon and walked around Fisherman's Wharf for a couple of hours then took the F Train back to our hotel (only $1.50/person/direction! What a deal!) to get ready for the ball game. Go Giants! We even won. It went to 13 innings which I wasn't too impressed with since it was SOOOO COLD!! I mean... you have no idea how cold it was. My feet had icicles. SO COLD! But I loved the baseball game and the atmosphere and how fun and exciting it all way. And being terrified the ball was going to hit me straight in the mouth. Haha!
So Sunday morning we got up early again and headed back to Fisherman's Wharf (F Train!) and went to Alcatraz. Ryan was pretty pumped to go there, but I didn't really care one way or another - I'm not big on history. Anyways, I highly recommend everyone to go there. The things you learn, the things you see. The history that is in that place.... Al Capone, The Bird Man... all these horrible men living in these walls so many years ago. We were there for a few hours, and ended up leaving because we were pretty hungry. I should open up a hot dog stand there - I'd make a killing!!
So then after we walked around Fishermans' Wharf some more - I mean, we walked EVERYWHERE. We were even walking closeish to the GGB, but it seemed like such a long way that we turned back and went back haha. We're wimps, eh?? We walked up to the Crookedest Street and then to Ghiardeli's. It was a pretty great day. We stopped and had a beer at a little cafe that had a live singer. He sounded so great, he even made U2's "One" sound better than the original, which I didn't think was possible!!
Sunday night we went to an Italian restaurant called Puccini & Pinetti's. It was seriously the best meal I've ever had in my life. Just thinking about it is making my stomach growl. I highly recommend it. That was our night!
Then finally on Monday: we just hung around Union Square waiting for 2pm before we could leave for the airport. It was a great day; breakfast at Lori's Diner and a "quick trip" to Forever 21. Honestly, it was the best end of a great trip - a relaxing day walking around Union Square.
Anyways, a great trip!! Photos on Facebook!!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Robins are satan's spawn
Soo... these robins built 2 nests under our deck. So in the one nest, 4 baby birdies hatched. This caused mama bird to decide to attack us. And Bauer - poor, poor Bauer. He was attacked the worst!
So I decided to take a photo of the birdies. The flash went off and one of the birdies flew out of the nest. So then, I tried to put him back into the nest (as per the advice from google... very, very poor advice, by the way). I picked the birdie up carefully, Ryan protected me with a plastic patio table, and as I got closer to the nest and put the birdie in it, all 3 of the other stupid birdies flew out of the nest! So now I have 4 baby birdies hopping around my back yard with 2 mama birdies attacking my head.
So Ryan and I screamed and ran into the house.
This was all on Wednesday.
Today, Friday, all the baby birdies were gone. THANK GOODNESS. I got to mow the lawn, Bauer got to go to the bathroom for the first time in 5 days, and we are back to normal.
So note to everyone: if you find a birds nest in your back yard, get rid of it before any eggs get laid in it!!!! Take my advice!!
So I decided to take a photo of the birdies. The flash went off and one of the birdies flew out of the nest. So then, I tried to put him back into the nest (as per the advice from google... very, very poor advice, by the way). I picked the birdie up carefully, Ryan protected me with a plastic patio table, and as I got closer to the nest and put the birdie in it, all 3 of the other stupid birdies flew out of the nest! So now I have 4 baby birdies hopping around my back yard with 2 mama birdies attacking my head.
So Ryan and I screamed and ran into the house.
This was all on Wednesday.
Today, Friday, all the baby birdies were gone. THANK GOODNESS. I got to mow the lawn, Bauer got to go to the bathroom for the first time in 5 days, and we are back to normal.
So note to everyone: if you find a birds nest in your back yard, get rid of it before any eggs get laid in it!!!! Take my advice!!
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