In Memory

I decided that I had to do something.... or GET something in memory of Matthew. His memory has only been in my head.... I had nothing to show for his extremely short life and it felt like everyone has already forgotten about him except me. Not that I blame people... no one met him. But he meant so much to me!

So I bought the following.... it is my memory of my sweet baby boy who I never got to meet. And every time I look at this angel, I will remember Matthew as a "gift from God." Which is what he really, truly was.

"Hope" is so meaningful to me... I "hope" to meet Matthew one day, I "hope" that God will one day bless me with a child, I "hope" that Matthew's short life has meaning to it, I "hope" that his loss is not in vain. I have a lot of "hope" in my life.

Changes

So... it's been 3 months since I miscarried and it's been a tough 3 months (in case you couldn't tell in my postings... haha). At the time, you know you're sad and depressed but it just becomes the norm for you. Looking back, it was like there was a black cloud hanging over my head for 3 months. The black cloud has began to dissipate, but I know it's still partially there.

My friend Tiffany lent me this book called "Mourning the Child I Never Knew." The author discusses how she mourned all 3 children: 2 miscarriages in early pregnancy, and 1 she carried to birth, who passed away shortly thereafter. She speaks of all 3 pregnancies like they are all her children, and it has really helped confirm what I feel: that my pregnancy was real and I lost a child. Some women may not look at it that way, and that's fine. I do, and it's nice to find out that I'm not actually crazy, haha. What I've been reading in this book is that everything I have been feeling (even though I've felt completely alone and the only person in the world who feels this way) is normal and that other women feel that way also. What a relief!! I read this one paragraph about how the author felt like no one understood her pain, no one knew what to say, people thought it was no big deal what happened - it's not a REAL human until it takes its first breath - so people basically assume that it's time to get over it.

Anyways... it has felt SO GOOD to read that someone else in the world understands what I'm going through. Another friend forwarded me to a website in Calgary for women who have lost children or have miscarried: http://www.caringbeyond.com/ I have found that this website has helped a lot also. I think I am going to go to a meeting in September.

So this month, I decided to make some changes. I am sick of being depressed and sad and feeling sorry for myself that this happened to ME. I know God loves me and has a plan for me. There has to be something good that comes from this. There has to be: it says so in the bible.

So I created a bookclub in Strathmore. I am going to get back into the world. Since Ryan and I started trying to get pregnant over a year ago, I haven't taken any time to meet people in Strathmore. I kept thinking I'd get pregnant right away and meet other pregnant women in Strathmore and it'd be so easy! Well... that didn't happen and I turned around last week to realize... I have no friends!!! None! And I don't invite my close girlfriends out to Fairview because I think it'll put Ryan out! BTW... he'd be fine. He'll survive, haha.

I hope this book club pans out and I meet lots of women in Strathmore. So far we're at 14!! And it's only been like 3 days since I started it! And I'm going to join a Life Group at my church - meet some women at my church. And now that I'm working from home 4 days/week, I'm going to drive into the city more often and see people. I can't do it ALL the time (hello, gas prices!), but I should do it more often.

No more me being a hermit!! I am going to work out more - get back the body I had a year ago (umm... I kinda let myself go there for a bit thinking "ahh, I'll get pregnant right away so who cares?). I am going to call family more often. I am going to see more people. I am going to go out for dinner more often. I am going to wear more makeup - make myself feel beautiful. I am going to try not stressing about things. I am going to take Bauer for more walks. I am going to smile more. I am going to cry less. I am going to watch less tv, and read more books. I am going to work in my garden and make it something to be proud of. I am going to plant a lilac bush. And.... I am going to pray everyday that God teaches me to be happy with my life, even though it's not working out the way I'd like. And... if someday I become pregnant... I will be grateful but also know that a child is a gift from God - and I will love it more than I can imagine.

Amen.

get over it

I've found lately that when people ask me how I'm doing with regards to the miscarriage, and I answer honestly, I get a lot of the same responses: "Oh", "Yeah...", and my favourite "It'll happen when it's meant to." What I sense from most responses is the unsaid response: "Aren't you over it yet??"

Should I be "over it"?? I mean, I never even got to find out the sex of the baby... Apparently, according to one very unsympathetic person, women can have abortions when they're even farther along than I was. So why am I still mourning a child that really, again - according to some people - shouldn't be mourned??

I don't have an answer for them... I am still sad. I still get tears in my eyes when I see women who are pregnant. I should have been 21 weeks yesterday. Or when I see babies... I still have not been able to bring myself to hold or even be near a baby. I feel jilted, and a prisoner in my own mind. And what makes it worse, is when people tell me to get over it - because apparently I should be by now.

But the sermon at church this week was about Hope, and last week was about giving God all of your worries. So on my walk with Bauer, I said aloud to God that I am giving Him my saddness regarding Matthew. I am giving Him my fears that I will never bear a child to term. I gave Him my fears that this hole in my heart will never be mended. I gave it all to Him. And I pray... oh God, I pray... that He takes my gifts to Him and uses them. I pray He helps me. I pray He answers my biggest hearts desires. I pray, I pray, I pray.

Goodness

I've always wondered how God works.... people tell you all the time how they perceive God's work or how God speaks to them. For instance - you lose your keys. You pray "God, help me find my keys." You turn around and there they are. So, you thank God for helping you find your keys. That never really sit well with me... I never believed God is up in Heaven just waiting to help us with every menial thing. But how am I supposed to know how He works??

It also always bothered me when people would sit on their asses and wait for God to give them "a sign." Should I leave my lover? Should I quit my job? Will I ever fall in love? We sit on the couch in our living room and complain to God that we're single or we hate where we are in life. It's like that person believes "if I sit here and have faith, God will answer my prayer." But He won't... He doesn't drop things into our laps. We have to actually go out and do things.

I'm reading this book "The Shack" and for the first time ever, I actually relate to the character Mack in the story. The way he talks to God, and the way Papa, Sarayu and Jesus all speak with him and explain how They work... it's the first time I feel like screaming "THANK YOU!" I finally feel like someone has written into words how I have always felt God works. God CAN make a horrible thing not happen, but it is not how He chooses to work: instead, God takes a situation - any situation - good or bad - and brings out positives in that circumstance. You learn from everything. God took this horrible circumstance that Mack had to live through, and made so many positives. It is not a book for everyone, but somehow I truly felt this book spoke to me. Like God was up there saying to ME "here is how I work with YOU. Maybe not how I speak with everyone, but this is how it is with YOU. Here is some clarity in your life. Everything is going to be ok."

I know some people see God as something that is untouchable... something you have to say the perfect words of "Dear Lord" with hands raised and only praises coming out of your lips - praises found only in the bible, which you repeat word for word. I've never felt that. I specifically remember sitting in my old Honda Civic ("Cheyenne" haha) and screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my steering wheel, angry with God that my life wasn't working out as I had planned. And then even angrier that He did nothing about it. He let me scream, He let me be angry. It was my lowest point in my life... it was rock bottom... at that time I lost my boyfriend, pretty much every single friend I had, my church, my life. And I was pissed about it - and I let God know. But God didn't MAKE these things happen... he didn't TELL my friends to abandon me, or my boyfriend to treat me that way, or for any of those horrible things to happen to me. But He DID take the situation and make it so, so good. I can see that now.

God also didn't take my baby away as a way to "get back at me" for being a sinner. It's not His fault I miscarried. He could have prevented it, but He has His reasons for not. Who am I to question God? But... even though I can't see it right now... and I may not see it for months, or years or ... ever ... but God is taking that situation and bringing out the Good in it.

I feel comfort in knowing that.

Veronica

Ryan and I have one niece - Veronica. She's going to be 3 this September, and I just can't get enough of this kid. She's ridiculously hilarious, spoiled, bossy, sweet, generous, and has such a strong head on her shoulders. I take pride in that kid.

Anyways, I just wanted to brag a little about my sweet Veronica Lee. She's pretty damn cute.