Sunday, May 17, 2009


I had a revelation in the shower last night..... and now that I can think of it and not cry, I thought I'd post about it.

I went to the farm this weekend. Ryan is staying there for the whole week to help out seeding, and he's coming back next Sunday. A whole week without my baby. Yet, last night, at 5pm, while he was still out on the tractor seeding, I left to come home. It was somewhat the plan... I could have waited until Sunday morning, but I had "so much stuff to do at home." (which is true, by the way... but none of it is so pressing that I can't even say goodbye to my husband.)

I called him, waved at him from the road, and said my goodbye that way, but... it's not a hug or a kiss or an in-person "I love you and I will miss you this week."

I just couldn't wait to leave!


I just could not wait to be alone. I have not been alone for years. I mean, really alone. There's always been someone or something there. My parents live a block away from us so I have to see them, last week while Ryan was gone part of the week Karrie was here... I'm never alone.

Which brings me to Part 1 of my revelation... I am really, truly depressed. Since losing Matthew, I haven't gone one day without crying. I am sad, lonely, angry... I am a mother without a child. And I am moving deeper and deeper into this depression. I pretend to be fine, because the second I start showing I'm depressed, people start getting all psychological on me and who needs that??

Since deciding to become vegetarian, I have been ridiculed from every direction. I don't blame people... eating meat has become such a norm in our society. Being a vegetarian is so "out there." And to reiterate, I am not against eating meat: what I'm against is HOW they kill the animals. It's inhumane and I don't like it.

Which brings me to Part 2 of my revelation...

I have been feeling lately like I have no control over anything in my life. Nothing at all. On Friday my boss told me he might have to change my schedule so much that I am really working less than part time; I have no control over my job. Ryan's parents keep telling us that they want us to take over the farm, then 2 minutes later they change their mind; I have no control over our future - where we'll live, what we'll do. I can't control what people do to these animals to slaughter them. I work my ass off everyday working out, and I haven't seen a slight difference; I have no control over how my body reacts to exercise. I have no control over getting pregnant - and that's the one thing I thought I had control over. I want a baby so bad... I feel so lost without one... yet I have zero control over whether or not that happens.

So while I'm being ridiculed for wanting to be vegetarian... the fact of the matter is... it's the only thing in my life I can control. I actually can control what I put into my mouth. No one can force me to eat anything I don't want to eat. So while this may be a drastic measure on my part in my desire to help animals... it's the only thing I can do in my means: financially and physically.

I know I'll be ok... I'll get over the loss of my baby and learn to deal with it and take the next step. But until then... all I can do is keep living.

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