Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

What a weekend!! Friday night Ryan and I went to the farm (his parent's place) for the weekend. Due to the rain, we knew Ryan wouldn't be helping out much with seeding or cultivating, but we had lots of other things to do around the farm so we went ready and willing to help. Today, Monday, I'm beyond sore!

Saturday we cleaned out both of the garages - the house garage and the farm truck garage. Of course, beers were had during breaks, but it was a LOT of work. And the darn rain wouldn't let up! Then Sunday we started a waterfall/moat in the front yard and apparently I wanted to prove to everyone how strong I really am and I moved all of these huge rocks. I think I was partially brain damaged because it's really not something I would normally do, haha. The waterfall looks beautiful and once I get a photo, I will post it. I absolutely love it.

That was our mother's day gift to Ryan's mom: helping out around the farm.

Saturday was supposed to be my 3-months... I was supposed to be entering my 2nd trimester. I thought of it all day. It's weird... a miscarriage is viewed as such a menial thing... something that shouldn't be worried about and something that should be gotten over quite quickly. I'm lucky that no one in my social circle has made me feel that way, but I've read articles and notes about it. Sometimes I'm embarrassed about how sad I am (still) about the situation... I still think of it every time I laugh, as if I feel guilty for laughing or having a good time. My whole life is being kept on hold for something I have no control over. I am a mother without a child. I do not feel complete, whole. I felt complete, I felt whole for just a few short weeks and it was the best feeling I've ever felt. I felt like my life mission was discovered: I was meant to have children. Then, it was taken away. I feel like I'm walking around blindfolded, searching for my niche in this world. I no longer feel whole. I feel lost, angry, sad, broken. And terrified of the future.

I keep praying for strength. I feel like all I need right now is to turn over and see Jesus, and that he gives me a big hug. I need a hug from Him, for Him to tell me it's all going to be ok and that all of my life's desires are going to come to be. But that's not how He works. Which, to be frank, sucks.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mother's out there. You truly are blessed, and I never realized how blessed you are before what I have gone through. I hope you all had a wonderful, beautiful day.

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