Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Insight

I met up with a friend, Tiffany Matson, on Tuesday for dinner. I am not going to divulge everything we discussed, but it was such an insightful discussion. I realized while sitting there just how bitter I truly am at God/the world since losing Matthew. I really became aware that I am holding onto the "it's not fair" attitude, when really... how am I to say what is and what is not fair??

Sitting there with Tiffany, I had to face a reality I had no idea existed. Now, I'm going to say this knowing full well she'll probably read this blog but that is not why I'm writing this - I am writing this as a reminder to myself. In 10 years from now when I want to remember who I was when I was 27, I will come back and read this and smile at the wisdom this friend - a girl wise beyond her years - bestowed upon me.

I cannot blame God or the world or anyone for Matthew's passing. It can't not seem fair to me... it's not my place to make that decision. Matthew's passing was between Matthew and God. In the short period of time I got to spend with Matthew, even without ever meeting him, he fulfilled his destiny. God didn't make a mistake, making him an incomplete human that would never or could never take its first breath. God created Matthew the way He did for a very specific purpose. I may never know what the purpose is... and I know it's going to be the first question I ask God when I get to Heaven, and I fear His answer will be "that's between me and Matthew." It has nothing to do with me... it wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a cruel joke... it was what God had to do. And as a follower of Jesus, all I can do is accept that, try to learn from it, and trust that God does have a plan for me - and that that plan does include a child as it is my heart's greatest desire.

Tiffany, you don't have to respond to this blog but just know: that chat on Tuesday really helped get me out of the depressed funk I was in. I am still sad, I will still mourn the loss of my child, but I now see a rainbow at the end of this storm. So thank you.

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