Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas is upon us

I normally love Christmas. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. Normally, when I go to malls I see people smiling and helping each other out. I see sales people happy to be busy. I see people opening doors for others, and just being more kind than normal. I normally love buying gifts for people, with the anticipation and image in my head of what their faces will look like when they open their gift. Money? Not a worry. No gift is too expensive for my family and friends.

Last year at this time, I couldn't WAIT until the next Christmas. Today, I found a note I wrote... not to anyone in particular, but a note none the less. It was about how last year was most likely my last year childless. It was such a hopeful letter. Little did I know what 2009 would bring.

I can't say I particularly liked 2009. In fact... it sucked ass. I hated 2009. With a passion. I have one thing to be grateful for in 2009: my job.

I am not anxious for this Christmas. I've purchased all gifts online, and did not put much thought into any of them. I'm even thinking I'll be embarrassed when I give my mother in law her gift. I need to find her something else, that's better, in addition to what I got her. I took more time picking out treats for Bauer at Pet Planet today than I did with gifts this year.

I just simply don't care about Christmas this year.

I also told God we're friends off. I've stopped praying... why would I pray when my one prayer doens't get answered? If He has another plan for me, then it's going to happen that way so why waste His time or mine, for that matter, praying? I still believe, I still love, I still remember Him. I just don't care to speak with him right now. See? Friends off.

One does not have friends because of what they can give you. I am not friends with Aleesha because of what she can give me. I am not friends with God because of what He can give me either. But, when you phone a person every day for a year, and not hear back from them, you start to give up. When a friend gives you a beautiful gift then 2 seconds later takes it back, then turns around and runs away, not to hear from them for another whole year..... you again start to question why you're friends in the first place. That - THAT - is where I'm at with God. I don't question His existence. I question His plan.

We leave tomorrow for "the farm", a week of relaxing and trying to find things to do. I could be doing a million things here at home, and a large part of me wishes we were staying here, but Ryan's parents love having us there and it'll be nice to get away.

I am anxious for a new year. I hated 2009 with all of my heart, and I am believing that 2010 is a new chapter. That from Day 1 things start to change. That 2010 is MY year. The Year of Denise. The Year of Possibilities. The Year of Hope. The Year of Life.

So Merry Christmas to everyone.... I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a very happy New Year. I hope 2010 kicks 2009's ass.

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