Monday, March 18, 2013

10 weeks to go

I am 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow. What does that mean? We are on the home stretch. And it couldn't have come sooner.

I cannot sleep. I want to hire someone to massage my hips at night. And my feet. Hell, while I'm at it, my hired night-time masseuse can massage my hands, shoulders, and cramping calves while they're at it. I sleep on a man-made-extra bed. I have a pillow under my hips, another between my legs, and 2 under my head to prop me up so I can breathe. Oh and pregnancy-safe nose meds to keep me from dying from lack of oxygen. Literally. Not exaggerating. Then I have Bauer pressed up right against me, turning my already over-heated pregnant body into a flaming oven, so I also sleep out of the blankets, with as little clothing as possible to not only keep the night-time spiders from screaming in terror at the sight, but also to keep from opening all the windows and freezing the rest of my family out... and said spiders.

Oh how I wish I could open the windows.

I have 10 weeks to go. Aryn was 10 days early. This kid could either be earlier as well, even earlier than Aryn, right on time, or late. I am aware of the situation. There is no sugar-coating this. I know it could be a long time until I can sleep and breathe through my nose for the first time in 9 months.

In the meantime, I have began waddling. Yes, waddling. With Aryn, the waddle didn't start until well into my 30-weeks... most likely closer to 34 or 35. Not this time. This time, it started at 27 weeks. My hips hurt when I stood up from my chair, only to waddle into the kitchen. Now, I waddle everywhere. My legs have 'naturally' turned outwards and I now strut like a duck. I'm a creature from Narnia - walk like a duck, breathe like a bulldog, size of a cow, and the temper of a feline.

Ahh the temper. Don't cross me. Say ONE WORD about how "big you are", and be prepared for Evil Eyes. As a feline, if I had claws, you would no longer have a face. I am well aware how huge I am. I notice it every day I try to put my mascara on because I can't reach over the counter to see closer, as I have 30 pounds of stomach in the way. Or how I am pricing out a crane to help me roll over at night - because, you know, carrying a huge stomach, plus a pillow between your legs, and pushing a 300-degree 20-lb dog over, is a 3-man job. And Ryan is busy snoring next to me, so he's no help.

And my beautiful red-headed tornado is no help. She wants to play. she wants me to sit on those tiny, plastic, bright green chairs and play with Play-Doh. Remember my Playdoh post? How I was all, "I'm the best mom ever and Playdoh is fantastic and blah, blah, blah"?? Well, I hate Playdoh. It's everywhere. There's hardened Playdoh in my carpet, all over the table, in the tricycle (because why wouldn't she keep playdoh in the tricycle?), in the fish tank, in Bauer's beard, in my keyboard.

It is, literally, everywhere.

The creators of Playdoh should be shot. I should be shot for buying 8 containers of it. And leaving it out in the open for her to see. Every day.

And she wants to run. She wants to jump. She wants to go outside for walks. Oh, it's also -300C outside. With snow. And freezing wind. And no chance to allow my toddler to run around outside in our backyard because this is the world's longest winter.


And now we have runny noses and sinus headaches so there's even less chances of sneaking out of the house and allowing her to run through Walmart, making a mess, and grabbing random items to put in random people's shopping carts. Thanks to us, Walmart has an all-time record sales of tooth brushes and staples. You're welcome.

But we're in the home stretch. In 10 weeks, I will not be able to sleep for other reasons - a crying baby, an awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night toddler, a pissed off dog who's angry I did this to him again, and a husband who actually has the nerve to ask if he can sleep downstairs because, you know, he has to "work in the morning."

Just try that one, buddy.

We're in the home stretch. Baby snuggles and soft blue sheets are so close, I can smell them both. I can also smell stinky dog right now though, so ... what do I know?

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