Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Girls Are Stupid

I have started a new blog almost every day since my last one, only to discard it before I post. I am not sure why... so much going on in my head! I am doing fine, and I want people to know that. But, at the same time, I am still so, so sad... and I think people are starting to give me the "ok, get over it now" attitude so admitting that I'm still really sad almost causes me more grief because of that.

I don't even think it's sadness... I think it's turned into full-fledged "this isn't fair", jealousy, anger, and a lot of feeling sorry for myself.

I just don't know if this is healthy??

I have been emailing back and for a friend, who never really was a "friend" before this whole incident. She was an aquaintance, someone I have known for years but have never hung out with. She suffered a loss as well, something much more tangible than mine, and seeing her strength through everything has really made me open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. She has become a rock for me, even though we never see each other. I am a firm believer God brings people in and out of your life when He sees fit, and He definitely did that with this girl I believe is my angel right now.

My favourite answer right now: "you're young! You can try again!" Umm... HELLO!!! It is absolutely THE worst answer anyone can give. Yeah, I know I'm young. And I am well aware I can try again - thanks for the heads up! But ... let's put aside the fact that I am scared shitless of trying again, and I am scared even more shittilessly that this could happen again! Those words only bring me a big fear-packed punch in the face.

On the bright side, I can work out again and have realized upon putting on my jeans that I really took advantage of the first 2.3 months of pregnancy. And, I also learned, that next time around (should it happen...) I am going to be MUCH more careful. I couldn't work out those first 9 weeks because of what would happen when I did, so now I have to deal with losing all of that weight. Before I got pregnant, I remember saying I couldn't wait to get pregnant so I could eat whatever I wanted! Now that I'm paying for that (even if it was only 9 weeks...) I realized my metabolism is so messed up and I hate the way my body is right now. So, summer project: LOSE WEIGHT.

Not to mention, last week Ryan and I were pumped we had no weddings to attend the next year. Today, I have 4! I am in 2 of them, 1 is in San Francisco, and 1 is in Nova Scotia. So... more fans cheering me from the stands to lose weight.

So officially I am going to (TRY! TRY! TRY!) to put all those horrible baby thoughts into something MUCH more constructive: LOSING WEIGHT. Get back to the body I had in Scotland. Ahh... I looked so good in Scotland. Of course, at that time, I thought I was a whale. Girls are stupid.

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