Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Potty Training

Let's discuss potty training.

Potty training a toddler is, in my opinion, directly comparable to trying to teach Bauer to ONLY poop on the front lawns of the rude refuse-to-shovel-their-sidewalks home owners in my neighbourhood. Neither can be done, but I certainly try on a regular, daily basis.

You name the suggestion that worked for you, I've tried it. Stickers, new potties, Smarties, cheering, dancing, singing, fancy shmancy panties, naked time, grown-up toilet seats just for her, making Ryan help her with it, closing the door (for privacy)... I could go on and on. We have tried everything.

Mind you, I haven't stuck to any one ideology, because, quite frankly, the kid isn't ready. She is too active, she is too busy running around like a crazy maniac hopped up on sugar to actually stop and think, "do I need to pee?"

And having a 2-year old just not ready to be potty trained is just fine. I can say honestly she has never had a UTI, or any issues with her bladder or bowels. She is healthy and happy, and if our biggest "complaint" with her is that she's still costing us $15.99 a month on environmentally-friendly diapers, then so be it. It's better than doing 15 loads of wash a day with pee-and-poop-filled clothes.

I took her to Walmart the other day, and showed her the Wall of Panties. I have never seen a bigger selection, and I shop at Victoria's Secret on a regular basis. I am not certain why a child of 8 needs "sexy panties" or thongs; yet there they were, in pink purse-like packages with lace and polka dots. Aryn will be wearing granny panties until she is 45; I guarantee it.

She picked the kitties (Hello Kitty), who she's seriously obsessed with at this point. She held on to that panties purse throughout the entire store. She was so proud, and embarrassingly showed it off to everyone. We got home, she helped me throw them in the wash (after taking off every single little piece of plastic holding every single panty securely to the purse-packaging said panties come in... seriously, Hello Kitty creators... why do you hate mothers so much? Is charging $9 for 6 pairs of panties not enough, that you need to make it an Olympic sport to remove them from the stupid purse, that I'm sure cost three times as much as all 6 pairs of panties together?)

Once out of the dryer, I asked Aryn if she wanted to wear them. She said no. Awesome.

She then stole the panties, brought them to her babies, and put every single pair on a different baby. 6 stuffed babies wearing toddler panties. Real child: in a leaking pee-filled diaper.

Our potty training experiences have been exciting, to say the least. We've had a bottom-free day where she sat up against the bathroom door and pooped on the floor. It was everywhere except the toilet, which was literally mere inches from her poop-covered leg. She's hidden behind couches and peed... keep in mind, we have 4 washrooms in this house and they are all within 5 feet of every couch we own. Yet there she was, peeing on the hardwood and splashing her foot in it.

This morning, after she woke up and I was changing her 15lb diaper, I asked if she wanted to go naked that morning. She jumped up, all excited (as was I! Finally!), ran to her closet, grabbed a diaper, threw it at me, laid down and ordered it to be put "On, mommy." Guess that's a no, then...

Said kid puts her babies on the toilet daily, and she cheers for them when they "pees" or "poops". She changes their diapers, she makes them wear her panties, she asks them constantly if they need to "potty." Her stuffed babies are fantastic at potty training; they've never had a pee-filled diaper or an accident to date! Aryn is a better mom than her own mom. Note to self: only give birth to fake stuffed elephants and bunny dolls.

Then, you turn around, ask the same kid who is potty training her babies if we can put her on the potty. One of two things normally happens:

1. She gets put on the potty, only to scream and cry until she convinces me to take her off.

2. She runs away, screaming and crying like I just kicked her in the shins, hides behind the couch, yells "No potty, mommy! No poops!" then stops, red-faced and grunting...

Aaaaand off to another diaper change. I hope I don't throw up this time.


see how her babies are on the "potty"??

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