Monday, March 1, 2010


I've been thinking a lot today. If I said that to my friend Aleesha, she'd ask me if I hurt myself. Har har, very funny. I've been thinking about God lately, and how I feel about Him... but before I begin, disclaimer: the baby is fine, I am fine. I am just writing.


I've never questioned God's existence since I became a Christian when I was in High School. I always knew He was there. Through everything I have gone through since becoming a Christian, even when I was angry with Him, I still knew He was there. That God was standing there, next to me, helping me along. When I got my heart broken by a guy... God was there. When I lost all of my friends... God was there. When I met Ryan and had to make the decision if I wanted to see where it would go, or break up with him... God was there. He was next to me through everything, and even when it felt like He was miles away, I always felt He was standing there next to me, holding my arm as He helped me through life's biggest decisions.

This past year, I can honestly say was the first time that I ever actually questioned God's existence. When I miscarried last year, the only thought that went through my head over and over and over again was.... how can a God, who is supposed to love us SO much, allow something like this to happen? How can He watch me go through this?

I have a very strict belief when it comes to God, but it goes against everything that is in the bible. My belief: God doesn't allow bad things to happen, He just takes bad situations, and brings out the good in them. I.e., God didn't allow the big earthquake in Haiti to happen, but God is bringing Love and compassion from that horrible situation.

But when it's something like a miscarriage... or losing a child shortly after birth, or having a child born with cancer... this is where my faith wavers. The bible specifically states that God knit us in the womb, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that we are perfect images of what God wants us to be. That our whole lives are pre-determined and He knows everything we will think, do, and learn.

...... which makes me wonder.... why does God "knit" child molesters, rapists, murderers, animal abusers? If God knows what each person will do... why create them? Why create these monsters? Why does He create imperfect beings? Why did I have to go through a miscarriage? What is the good that came out of that? I have tried to see what good came from that situation, but to this day, I have found none.

I have not yet prayed for this baby growing in my womb. What kind of Christian am I? All I keep thinking is... "I prayed for my last baby, but he died. I prayed every day that he would be strong and healthy... but he wasn't." So... why pray for this baby? Regardless of what I do or want, things are going to go the way they are meant to. I will either:

A) have a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby in 7 months; or,
B) lose this baby too.

This baby is healthy, and I will give birth to it sometime at the end of September. But I am still faced with a question, that is gnawing at the back of my neck.......

"Does God have anything to do with that??"

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